I Ruined It…

…and instead of trusting the process as I always do, I temporarily lost myself in it.

I’m exhibiting at Harrogate Art Fair In March - returning to the scene of my very first in-person event in October 2023. That feels like a lifetime ago, but it made me reflect on what I’ve achieved since then. I’ve not only evolved as an artist, learning the lessons of doing big events as a novice (bloody hell, my first ever stand was a right mess - but I was proud of it at the time!) - looking back, that was a moment in itself - I had the balls to put myself out there right away, literally 5 months after I started painting! No imposter syndrome there - I saw the opportunity and just went for it.

”That was a bloody bold move…”

Sure, looking back now with a few other events under my belt, I’m tempted to cringe at the stand I created - I got in very late and had to paint solidly for 2 weeks to have enough work to exhibit. the result was a rather incohesive and very busy stand - too much going on in too many different styles and palettes. But hey, much as I’d love to let myself cringe at that now - that was a bloody bold move and I learnt so much.

So anyway, rambling and tangents aside, what exactly did I ruin you’re asking?

Well, this is a story in itself. I didn’t start preparing for Harrogate early enough. I applied and was successful in November 2024 and although I’d already pretty much completed 3 of the canvases from the collection, the full collection was still a little glimmer in my eye. I caught a raging cold in December and then there was Christmas, so everything got a bit delayed from the outset.

“I quite like the danger…”

Then I made the first mistake. I overplanned what I wanted to do with one of the canvases. As you all know, I’m a deeply intuitive artist and the most fun part for me comes from not quite knowing how pieces will turn out. I quite like the danger!

But this time, for some reason, I felt pressure. Probably a bit of worry that I wouldn’t get everything finished and off to the framers in time, so I decided to plan the shit out of it and try to blast through the big statement piece as quickly as I could. 

Looking back, where would have been the fun in that? The whole reason I started creating art was to connect with myself on a deeper level and create pieces which helped other people do the same. How would I do that if I’d emotionally detached myself from it?

“This time, I’m running a business.”

The other thing that’s shifted significantly is, the first time I did Harrogate Art Fair, it was all a bit of fun - putting myself and my art out into the world to see how people would respond. This time, I’m running a business - it’s my living - so it’s understandable that some additional pressure would creep in, along with an expectation that I’ll sell enough to pay for the cost of the stand at least.

And obviously, as an artist, I wanted this collection to be my best yet and the stand to look utterly iconic.

“The point where everything started to spiral out of control…”

So there I was, emotionally detached, borderline panicked (that’s a new one for me) and instead of sticking to a style I know I can do, I put extra pressure on myself to use some new techniques (acrylic pouring), which I already knew I’m not particularly good at yet. The first few layers went down and all was well. The texture went on (my favourite part of the process) and I was feeling really good about it. The layers dried and I didn’t like the end result - and this is the point where everything started to spiral out of control…

There truth is, a lot of my art is produced quite quickly - thick heavy layers that dry relatively quickly, so I can normally create a whole piece over a couple of days, minus the finishing of the edges and varnishing.

Pouring, on the other hand, takes forever, huge puddles that need days to dry and a whole heap of trust that all will be well in the end.

“It just became a self-fulfilling prophecy…”

Now, I’ve always been an advocate for stepping away from things that are proving difficult to reset and change the frame, rather than plunging into rescue mode and trying to fix it. The reality was, the piece wasn’t even at a point where i could make the decision whether it was going well or not. It was right at the beginning of the ugly stage. Instead of persevering and trusting the process (that old cliché, but one I’ll live by forever now!), my rational mind didn’t just leave the building, it boarded a flight to the edge of the earth’s atmosphere. In a cloud of pink mist, I made a snap decision to go back to what I’m good at and start hammering down thick layers of paint. As I kept telling myself to “just be intuitive”, I could feel the tension building in my body. I’d completely checked out - it was almost like I’d already made the decision it was ruined and it just became a self-fulfilling prophecy. A classic case of more is less, versus the other way round as more and more paint covered what was good and highlighted what was bad. All in all, this was a real milestone. I wasn’t enjoying painting in that moment, for the first time ever, and all because my mindset was in completely the wrong place.

“It was ruined.”

Within a couple of hours, it was ruined. Or so I thought at the time anyway. The concept was out of the window and I’d lost my way with what to do next, all because I didn’t;t give myself the time to step away from it to reset.

But hey, with one ruined canvas came a very important lesson to remember all the mindset skills I’ve taught myself during my corporate days. When things feel like they’re becoming a disaster and the panic sets in, it’s time to stop. Move away and do something else.

“It’s story isn’t over yet…”

That canvas may well have kicked my arse at the time, but its story isn’t over yet…. When I stepped back from the mess, thought about my options and decided to just follow my intuition with it, the process became enjoyable again.

It may end up being fully ruined, or it might turn out to be the best piece of art I’ve ever created. Who knows how it will all end, but rest assured I’ll have fun finding out.